KANYE WEST: Late Registration
DeeDee: West is a good last name for black people. Thank god that Cornell can agitate better than he can rap. But
Kanye, you stood up and told the whole world that the people who died in New Orleans died because George W. Bush hates black
people on live national TV. I don't know if you can rap and all that, but keep fucking talking. But wait…Late Registration.
Hmm. Would that be a voter registration maybe that will never be counted because you're black? Gore? Kerry? Bueller? Bueller?
BLUES TRAVELER: Bastardos
Hollis: Blues Traveler's formerly obese/newly thin frontman, John Popper, gave me an idea. I'm going to the hospital to have a procedure that reduces my stomach to the size of an egg, so
that every time I try to swallow and digest shitty, derivative, blues-based, jag-off boogie music, I'll vomit it right back up.
Hell, if Blues Traveler ever comes out with a boxed set, I might have to get in line behind John Popper at the hospital to have the unsightly folds in my belly skin lasered off because of all the weight I'd lose. Do yourself a favor. If you actually like this band
(and choose not to seek psychiatric help), just take your favorite album by them, cross out its title and write in the title "Bastardos." Trust me,
it's the same shit. Oh, yeah, and leave some room on the album cover so you can write in next year's album title too.
TRACY CHAPMAN: Where You Live
DeeDee: Tracy, you want to know where I live? I live in an illegal sublet that precludes me from getting a loan to cover my
credit card debt because I don't officially have an "address" to the government. Thank you again Patriot Act. Civil liberties?
What are those? Who needs that pesky Right to Privacy thing? Wait…what were we talking about? Where I live? I know where you
live, Tracy. You live in a white man's world that will never make you millions without looking over your shoulder because you
don't look like Halle Berry. Your music doesn't totally suck though… Not totally…
LIL' KIM: Naked Truth
DeeDee: Am I the only one who feels bad for Lil' Kim? When you have a legacy of lies under oath or otherwise being handed down
straight from the White House about issue of national security and significance, why the fuck aren't you going to lie about
some shit that happened in front of K-ROCK? And…she brought back big eyebrows. Come on!
MICHAEL BOLTON: The End of Forever
Dee Dee: End of Forever? How 'bout the end of your fucking career, you ponytailed freak? "Forever" is what I feel when
I get trapped in say the DMV and your "When A Man Loves a Women" comes on and every woman with thinning hair and a size 24 dress
starts to fucking swoon. I hate you Michael Bolton. I fucking hate you. Just team up with Kenny G, put bamboo under my nails
and make me watch my grandparents fuck. Jesus.
Okay, that's all. Go to work… Oh, wait—I almost forgot! Add white skin. Cue the cash registers!
COLDPLAY - X&Y
Dee Dee Vega: Could someone please give Chris Martin some Prozac and an enema so he'll shut the fuck up?
WHITE STRIPES - GET BEHIND ME SATAN
Hollis: I love Jack White, but he has the scariest facial hair since Michael Jackson.
BLACK EYED PEAS - MONKEY BUSINESS
Dee Dee: Why bother guys? Everyone in Jersey bought your last CD. They don't need to buy it again.
R. KELLY - TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET
Dee Dee: You mean, trapped in the water closet?
DAVE MATTHEWS BAND - STAND UP
Dee Dee: You stupid white fuck. You think you can whine on stage with a bunch of black guys to cover your ass and you won't still suck. Look in the mirror Dave. Go back to that barstool and microphone you never should have crawled out from behind.