By Hollis James

Our beloved president has taken a lot of heat lately, what with everyone around him getting indicted and possibly being on their way to jail, the occupation of Iraq (which is dragging on like the third hour of a Return to Mayberry reunion special), the shortsighted cutting of levee-funding, which some claim led to…. Well—let’s just say, G.W.’s got his problems! But we shouldn't throw stones. After all, who among us hasn’t left the cap off the toothpaste or played his music too loud after 10PM or tortured the enemy to get what he wants? Put your hand down, Mr. Noriega! My point is this… Bush isn’t the worst world leader ever. Take a look at the formidable competition....


Ruler of Uganda, Champion Boxer, Accordian Buff, Rushmore Academy Punctuality-Award Holder

Next to Eydie Gormé, this hunk of love was everyone’s favorite Idi. He was highly charismatic, and has not only been the subject of a Barbet Schroeder documentary but was also portrayed in a TV-movie by the dashing Yaphet Kotto. G.W. is no slouch in the charisma department, as evidenced in his fine, method-actor-like work in Farenheit 9/11, Rush to War, The War Room, Journeys with George, Stupidity and Truth and Lies and Intelligence. Hell, there was even an attempt by Comedy Central to create an everyman comedy about G.W., That’s My Bush, which seemed to be a cross between Welcome Back Kotter, The Jeff Foxworthy Show and Benson. Now, as for strength of character, whereas Bush had his father blazing the trail at Yale, Idi didn’t have it easy. He rose through the ranks the hard way: first as distinguished British colonial soldier, then Ugandan military leader, then head of an ugly military coup, and finally self-proclaimed “Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea.” Bush has never once called himself Lord of beasts, Earth or fishes—it’s only implied. Perhaps a more-fitting Bush moniker, given his penchant for dropping incendiary devices on people of color, might be “The Brown Bomber?” But I digress. In the final analysis, although Bush and Idi might rate dead even in the charisma department, Bush has been responsible for the deaths of almost as many people though sheer ignorance, shortsightedness and apathy as Idi killed on purpose. And that’s… Well, that’s not easy!



Chairman of Khmer Rouge, Communist, Homebody

Pol Pot bears the distinction of being the only leader in this piece who hasn’t been TIME magazine’s man of the year at least once. When Pol’s Khmer Rouge troops entered the streets of Cambodia’s capitol in April 1975, the Cambodian people were actually happy, simply because their bloody five-year civil war had finally ended. They’d soon learn, however, such as Iraquis currently enjoying their newfound “freedoms” are slowly learning, that the enemy you know is always better than the enemy you don’t know. The Khmer Rouge would go on to kill over one million people. By the time Pol Pot introduced the world to “Democratic Kampuchea,” via a public radio broadcast in September 1977, forced relocation, mass executions, political assassinations and disease-ridden death camps were all well underway. Hey, say what you will about our embattled president, but Bush never forced starving people to cram into ill-equipped, poorly ventilated spaces strewn with feces, crying children and dead, rotting corpses. Well, okay, maybe he did, but they were poor people anyway—so in a way, they were better off. Just ask G.W.’s Mommy. She'll tell ya. And Barbara Bush is sharp as a tack, and our country's greatest patriot (by marriage and childbirth, respectively). Why else would her picture be on the one-dollar bill?


Communist, Widower, Paranoid Personality, Hair Club President

Perhaps we can blame Lenin for setting the Socialist table at which Stalin stuffed his face. After all, it was Lenin who envisioned a bureaucratic Russian police state that would terrorize its political opponents. And it was Lenin’s idea that Socialism could really be state-run capitalism when operated under the dictatorship of a Russian Communist Party. But if Lenin invented chess, Stalin was its Bobby Fischer. His paranoia, hatred and sadism knew no bounds. Unlike Stalin, Bush has never killed—and never will kill (thanks to term limits)—20 million people. In 1922, Stalin became General Secretary of the Central Committee, a position that gave him control over party appointments and allowed him to build his power base. In 1989, Bush became Managing General Partner of the Texas Rangers—and the lackluster baseball team posted their first winning record in three years. By 1934, Stalin would be in total control and leave no one alive who could challenge his authority. By 2000, Bush would defeat Al Gore to become President—despite little experience, ignorance of the issues and an inability to say more than five syllables in a row without pausing. And, it's worth noting, Bush did all of this without the aid of a moustache! Towards the end, Stalin would kill off even his most trusted colleagues for fear that they might oust him from power. Bush? Well, Bush is a man of the people. He even allowed a gay escort from a fictitious news bureau to openly ask him televised questions during press conferences that were held in the same house in which he sleeps. Advantage Bush!


Austrian, Jew Hater, Diagnosed Psychotic, Dog Owner, Brunette

Okay, fun is fun, but let's get real. Hands down, G.W. has it all over Hitler. It’s not even close. One grew up a jingoistic, dimwitted fathead—mistrusted by friends, hated by colleagues and seen as a whacko by the rank and file. But the other was a friggin’ Nazi! Actually, I've already approached G.W. about playing Hitler in a bio-pic I just wrote. I wanted George for my Hitler and real-life democratic senators to play the Jews. G.W. signed on immediately. The only problem is that none of the senators I spoke to would admit to being democrats. (Except my man Chuck Schumer, of course!) Come to think of it, G.W. could use a little more Adolf in him. Why is the U.S. occupying Iraq? There's no wine, no nightclubs, no gourmet food. Let’s occupy France instead! Like they'll stop us? Hell, with the riots going over there right now, they’ll probably cheer our arrival quicker than they cheered the Nazis in 1940. Well, maybe they won’t cheer as fervently as they cheered for the Nazis, but we’d at least get a smattering of applause. And to think, Hitler didn’t even have half the propaganda machinery at his disposal that Bush does! I mean Joseph Goebbels on his best day couldn’t create Fox News—an entire network news team dedicated to no other purpose than to act as the Republican Party’s bottom bitch. And millions of people watch it. Imagine, misinformation and propaganda disguised as actual news, wedged between the sports and the weather! What's not to believe? That’s something Hitler never had. For that reason and many others (that don't come to mind now), Bush and Hitler are polar opposites. Really. Honestly, outside of the love they each share and shared for their dogs, Barney and Blondi, respectively, Bush and Hitler couldn’t be farther apart. For example, as Hitler rose to power, he’d speak vaguely, being purposely cryptic of his larger goals against the Jews so as to convey a false sense of continental amity, as he did in this quote from a 1937 speech: “Germany is more conscious than ever that she has a European task before her, which is to collaborate loyally in getting rid of those problems that are the cause of anxiety to us and also to the other nations.” While a relaxed, re-elected Bush in 2004 (whose 53% Gallup approval rating was the lowest December rating for a re-elected President in Gallup’s history) mended party fences with his usual bipartisan brotherhood and open-minded worldview with the statement, “I’ll reach out to everyone who shares our goals.” That's Texan for "It's my way or the motherfriggin' highway, you agitatin' democrat bastards!" Shhhhh! Listen.... You can almost hear the creaky wheels of the jam-packed Halliburton-built boxcars slowly chugging forward—carrying democrats, intellectuals, gays, retards and select members of the "Jew-run-media" off to the GOP death camps. You know, it is said that those who don’t learn from the lessons of history are doomed to repeat them. So listen closely. While it may be shocking to us today to think that so many people at once could actually be gullible enough to blindly follow a racist, dim-witted jackass spouting anti-intellectual, xenophobic, war-mongering rhetoric—by gum, he’s still our country's president, and we have to respect him!

God bless America. Let freedom(s) ring.