By Hollis James
10. He's owner of the worst capped teeth since Howard Stern's whipping boy, Gary "Ba-ba-booey!" Dell'abate.
9. The piano can be sexy if played by Sly Stone, Ray Charles and even Fats Domino. When is a piano not sexy? When played by short, fat Caucasian fingers attached to a short, fat Caucasian man. That's when a piano becomes as gay as a French horn. Play on, Shroeder.
8. Only a moron casts his trophy wife in his own video. When überbabe Christy finally woke up from her dog-fight slumber and moved on in search of more aesthetically appealing nut, it doomed Billy to cry every time he watches his own Uptown Girl video... just like the rest of us.
7. In 1972, when the New York Dolls, Lou Reed, Iggy Pop and David Bowie were reinventing the musical wheel on a daily basis, Billy Joel arrived with his dopey, obvious debut, Cold Spring Harbor. "Gee, thanks, Bill. Just hang on another thirty years. Then you and the other fat piano guy can tour together."
6. He's the most useless import to Russia since one-ply toilet tissue. Billy Joel's 1994 Soviet Union concert is further proof that in Communist Russia, people would stand in line all day to receive something they don't need. Perestroyka is Russian for fat, balding nebbish.
5. You can judge a man by his fans…or, rather, by his fans' parents' basements, where you'll find Billy's fans living.
4. Joel teased, tormented and bemused critics the world over for producing one surprisingly good album, Glass Houses. The fact that Billy proved he could create an album both commercially viable and easy on the ears only further infuriates, in the same way that a deaf mute wears out his welcome with pleas of "mno, My don't mwant to muse zzzign mlanguage. My'd mrather talk mout mloud."
3. Busby Berkley, The Wizard of Oz's dead choreographer, might have been the only man gay enough to help Joel stage Movin' Out, his embarrassing cash-in retread musical. Uh, oh! Enter Twyla Tharp—and enter bridge-and-tunnel trash everywhere. Movin' Out is a musical the same way Sein Language was a book. Movin' Out is only two hours long. But Billy's fifteen minutes apparently go on forever.
2. Plagiarized the Doo Wop hit "So In Love" to form the basis of his lousy, literal "For The Longest Time." Did no one see he was running on fumes? Stop him!!!
1. Billy's derivative free-association cacophony "We Didn't Start The Fire," released 1989. "It's The End Of The World," by REM, released 1987. You do the math.